Third Time Lucky!

You know the saying “it happens in threes”? Well I firmly believe in that. The only thing is, in my situation, these challenges were spread over a period of time. What I am about to share I am doing because I know that there are others out there who have gone through similar or worse experiences and I hope that this will encourage them (as it did me) to speak out about it and not bottle it up inside.

After the second accident, we decided that we would not purchase a second car. Instead, we decided to save on costs and use one vehicle between the two of us.

It was exactly 12 months and 1 week after the second car accident. I’ll never forget that morning. I woke up feeling tired as Ivery was working a night shift, so I was a grass widow for the week, sleeping alone in a huge bed. What bliss!!! NOT!!! My 4 month old baby girl had woken up at about 6.30am that fateful morning and was extremely irritable. (That's her and my mother, a woman with great knowledge, wisdom and faith.)


At about 7.00am, our house phone rang ...

Me : Good morning.
Caller : Bernadette, it’s Ma (my mother-in-law). Is Ivery home yet?
Me : Hi Ma, no he’s not. He should have been home by now, but maybe he’s been caught up at work. It’s really unusual that he hasn’t called to let me know. I’ve tried his cell, but there’s no answer. I’m sure he’ll be home soon.
Ma : I don’t want to alarm you, but I’ve just heard on the E-news
channel that there was an accident on Ou Kaapse Weg (the same road that Ivery had his last accident). It was a white car and a 4x4. Please call me and let me know if he’s alright.
Me : Was there any visuals? Did you see the car?
Ma : No sweetheart, but I’ll call the police station and call you
back.
I hung up the phone with a cold feeling running through my veins. Was it happening again? Is this what my family was being prepared for? Sylvia, my nanny arrived shortly after that phone call and she told me how terrible the traffic was along the road to get to our house. I asked her if she had driven past the accident scene and she stated that she had looked away as she could not handle the sight of the crash.

The phone rang again ...

Me : Hello.
Caller : Bernie, it’s me (my sister-in-law). I just spoke to the police
and they are checking to see what car it is. Here’s their
number..
Me : Thanks, I’ll call them now.
I contacted the police station and the officer in charge confirmed that it was a white BMW 328i that had been involved in the accident with a Ford Montana. I needed to ask the question ...

Me : Please tell me what the registration number of the car
is?
Officer : CA426825 (if my memory serves me correctly).
My body when cold. I just about mustered up enough strength to say “Thank you” and I put the phone down. I tried my husband’s cell again. Still there was no answer. What was going on? I needed to know what was going on. Why was this happening again? Had I been such a rebellious teenager that this was God’s way of repaying me for all the stress I had caused my parents? It can’t be happening again, it can’t be!!!

The picture you see on the side is what appeared in the local community paper. That is the car that he had to be cut out of. His guardian angels were surrounding him during this. I take strength from this picture each and every time I look at it.


I called my mother-in-law to tell her what I had just found out. After putting the phone down, it rang again ...

Me : Hello
Caller : Hi Berns, it’s me.
IT WAS IVERY, THANK GOD, HE’S ALIVE!!

Me Boks, are u ok?
Ivery Can’t really talk as I’m kinda strapped up and in a bit
of pain. They’re taking me the hospital now.
Paramedic : Hi Mrs West. Your husband was involved in a head on
collision with a 4x4 about 1½ hours ago. We’ve just got
him out of the car. His injuries are pretty serious, but
we’ll be able to get a better picture once we get him to
the hospital. Do you have transport to meet us at the
hospital? I can send a vehicle to collect you at your
home if you like.
Yet again, guess who was at the accident scene ... Byron.

Byron : Hi Bernie, don’t worry, I’ll come and fetch you. I’ll be
there in 15 minutes. Okay, see you later.
Me : Ok, bye.
Auto pilot kicked in and off I went to get my daughter ready for school and myself for the day ahead. I went down on my knees and I ask for patience with my children and for strength to be strong for my family and for us to get through this yet again.

Byron picked me up and took me straight to the hospital. I don’t remember much about the conversation on the way as my mind was working overtime. When I arrived at the hospital there were so many family members there, I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to scream, cry, sob, just absolutely lose it ... but I didn’t ... and I was calm yet again. The emergency staff showed me through to where he was laying. What a sight. He had a neck brace on with a head splint as well. Both his legs were in splints and he was on a drip. I couldn’t touch him ANYWHERE because the pain was too great.

His mother and father were standing at his bedside when I got there. When he knew it was me, all he could say was “Sorry babes, I’m so sorry for putting you through this again.” And I’m thinking, you’re apologising to me!!!! For what?? You haven’t done anything wrong!!! I tried to reassure him and tell it was going to be ok. Again, he was worrying about my well-being and not worrying about himself.

That was one of the longest days of my life. He couldn’t move his legs. The driver of the other vehicle was okay apart from a few minor bruises and a brand new Ford Montana (delivered 4 days prior to the accident) being written off.

After having several scans and x-rays, it was ruled out that there were no major internal injuries. However, the fact still remained, that he couldn’t move his right leg. He was totally immobile. I could see the pain on his face every time the nurses checked his leg. If he could get up and kick them out of the ward he would have done so. I felt so helpless that I wasn’t able to do anything to help him or ease the pain that he was going through.

He was extremely emotional as the realization of the extent of the accident hit home for him. The fact that this time, there was another car, another person other than himself who had been affected and who could have possibly lost his life. He kept on beating himself up about falling asleep behind the wheel. I was so angry, not at him, but at the company he worked for. They were pulling 12 hour shifts with minimal time off and there was no work life balance. The age old South African work story, the more hours you put in, the less appreciation and more expectations.

Once the medication kicked in and he was sleeping, I quietly removed myself and made my way to the hospital chapel. I went down and thanked God for sparing my husband yet again. It was at that moment that I asked God that question ... “Why my family Lord? Why my husband?” What has he done to deserve this?” When I asked those questions and said my prayers, I knew it wasn’t over. I knew that this was going to be the longest road that we as a family were yet to travel.

Some of you reading this blog might be thinking, “Shame, I don’t think I would be able to handle what she’s gone through”; or, “Shame, she’s had a raw deal and her family have gone through such a lot.” I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again ... I’m not a pity party and I don’t want sympathy. What I want is this, to help those of you out there who ...

... think you’re on your own.
... question things that happen.
... doubt your ability as a mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, brother, sister, you get the picture?

Think about all those times ...

- where you’ve questioned certain things including your existence in this world.
- where you’ve asked for assistance (from a higher being) and wondered why it wasn’t happening fast enough.
- when you couldn’t explain the unexplained, but later it became clear to you.
- when you’ve wondered ... “What if?”

Remember ... we’ve all been placed here to fulfill a greater purpose. As I’ve said before, you do not have to be a deeply religious person to understand this. Make sure that your purpose will not just benefit you, but also those around you. I’ve learnt to not worry about the “What ifs?”, because they’re exactly that “What ifs?”. They didn’t happen, so why do I need to worry about them? Why do you need to put yourself through more unnecessary pain and agony?

Remember that things will always happen as they’re meant to happen. We all have a path that has been set out for us. The decisions that we make in our lives, are the bricks that pave the way towards our future. Things will always happen on His time and NOT on ours. Don’t question what He does, because He will push you to limits that you didn’t know existed within your soul and you know what? You will survive, because you’re strong and you can do it.

I don’t consider myself to be the strongest person in the world, but I do know this ... I will make a difference in society, no matter how big or small my contribution, I will do it. Ask yourself this ...

What can my contribution be?
How can I do it?
By when can I do it?

Now go out and make the difference that you know you can.

The Cat's 2nd Life

It's 06h45 in the morning. The wind is so strong that the roof is shaking and the rain is pelting down outside. About 1½ hours ago, I've said goodbye to my husband as he leaves home to start his morning shift which starts at 6.00am. I look outside and this overwhelming feeling of uneasiness comes over me. I go straight to my bedroom and start praying that he gets to work safely. The weather outside does not look too kosher. The kids are starting to wake up and I need to get them ready for school and creche. It's now just after 7.00am, the phone rings ...... I will never forget that phone call, I had just finished praying for my husband to have a safe journey to work in the terrible weather that we had.

"Good morning, is that Mrs West?" says the caller.
"Yes it is. Who am I speaking to?" I answer.
"Mrs West, my name is Carl and I own a tow truck company. Do you own a white BMW 325i?" says Carl.
"Yes." is all I can muster as an answer. My stomach is doing big time tumble turns and 360's. I know what he's going to say next, yet I'm hoping that my gut is wrong.
"We've located your car on the side of the mountain. We've looked for the driver, but can't find him. Do you know who the driver was?" says Carl.
"What do you mean you can't find him?" I say. I think to myself after asking the question, obviously they must have looked, but how could they not have found him. Is he lying somewhere and no-one can hear him? Is he unconscious? Which side of the mountain has the car been found? Has he been flung from the car? My mind is working overtime with all the possibilities of where he could be.
"I'll try his cell phone and see if I can get hold of him." I eventually tell Carl.

A feeling of total calmness comes over me. Don't ask me how, why, who etc. I just went into autopilot mode. It seemed like hours (but it was only 5 minutes) while I was trying to get hold of my husband. Eventually he answered his phone. He could just about talk to me to tell me that he was fine and that the ambulance was about to take him to the hospital. But where was he?

On his way to work, he had a double blow out. First the back tyre and then the front one. Yes, the car had rolled, but it had landed up on the side of the mountain in the way of oncoming traffic and not down the slope of the mountain as the picture had been painted to me. He had some neck and back injuries, but nothing serious. Just really bad bruising. He had managed to get out of the car and walked from the accident scene down to the mall in Sun Valley. This was approximately a 4 km walk. He was still in shock from the accident. The trainer at the local gym assisted him and called the ambulance. I couldn't believe that he had walked that distance after rolling about 5 times in the car.

I needed to keep it together for the kids. I had a 10 month old baby boy and a 6 year old little girl whom I needed to get ready for school. This feeling of calmness came over me and there was no longer a panic mode. My husband was alive and he was going to be ok. After those phone calls, the rest of the morning was a total blur. I bundled the kids into our bakkie (Ute) and went to my mother's place (20 minutes away). My family home was my haven. My mother was my strength. When I arrived there and opened the door, I briefly filled her in on what was happening and she took the kids from me, said a prayer with me and off I went to the hospital.

I remember arriving at the hospital and being greeted by my husband's cousin, Byron. He was our pillar of strength, he was calm and level-headed and he made sure that I was okay. They had just taken my husband to radiology to do a CT / MRI scan. So off I went to locate this cat who had just used up his 2nd life. As I entered the radiology section, I could see Ivery laying outside the MRI unit with all sorts of braces, splints and straps around him. He did not look a pretty sight. I realised that I needed to keep it together and not get emotional because I knew that would bother him as he would then worry about me and my well being. I prayed to God to give me the strength and courage to do this. I hated seeing him laying there helpless. As I approached his bed, he knew it was me, by the perfume that I was wearing. I could see the pain in his eyes and still a bit of delayed shock from what had just happened to him. He tried to put up a brave face, but I could see that inside he was just doing it for me. He didn't want me to worry. That's my man, always protecting what is precious to him. That's why I love him so much.

A tall woman in a long white coat approached us while we were waiting. She was the radiologist and was coming to explain the procedure for the scan. Ivery, just wanted it to be over with. My job was to ensure that he remained calm and not get agitated ... so I assumed that now would not be a good time to tell him that the car was a total write off and that the mags that he had just polished were totally messed. It was quite funny, because one of the first comments he made to me was "Have you seen the car yet? Is it okay?" I just brushed his questions aside as it was just a car, a car that had saved his life. We could get another one, it was no big deal. This was the point when I realised exactly how safe our car really was.

The final result was that he just had soft tissue bruising. No broken bones or internal bleeding. His guardian angels were really working overtime with him that morning. He was off work for a month with his injuries. It was absolute hell for him because he couldn't pick up the kids, he couldn't play with them. All he was allowed to do was sit up and lay down (flat on his back). So I had a 6 year old, a 10 month old and an adult-baby. I needed to work and ensure that life was as normal for my children as it could be.

This was another part of the puzzle which I had to master. Unknowingly, it prepared me for what was to come. I look back on that experience that we had as a young family. All my family rallied around to help me. My sisters offered to take the kids to give me a break. My mother-in-law would take my 6 year old for the day on the weekend to give me a break. Everywhere I turned, there was some sort of assistance waiting for me. I was so blessed to have all of this around me. There was so much to be thankful for. Ivery had been spared yet again. I had been given the inner strength to not lose the plot and keep it together for my kids. Trust me there were times, where I used to lock myself in my bathroom, run the shower and have my moment of tears. That was my escape. I couldn't let the kids or him see me doing that as I knew that it would have bothered them. Once I stood in that shower, the tears would just stream down and I would sob, the drone of the water coming out of the shower drowning out the tears and sobbing. Don't get me wrong, they were not tears of unhappiness. They were tears of joy, happiness and gratitude. I was happy and joyous that my life partner had been spared to see his kids grow up. He had been given another chance to be the father and husband that he wants to be, loving, devoted and protectful of us. I was grateful for the family that I had around me and supporting us.

This was another example of how my family (including my in-laws) rallied around to ensure that there was always support. Many years later, I look at that experience that we went through as a family and I ask the question, "How did we do it?". And everytime I come up with the same answer, "God, love, support, inner strength and family."

I leave you with this challenge ....

1. You don't have to be a deeply religious person to talk to God. Have a conversation with him and you'll be amazed at the inner fulfilment you will experience.
2. When you need inner strength, look at those around you who are going through worse situations than what you find yourself in. Draw on the strength that if they can do it, so can you. Remember, you need to believe in yourself and believe you can do it.
3. Lastly, we all grew up as part of a family. I always remember Lilo and Stitch, the movie. When Lilo says "Ohanah means family and family means, no-one gets left behind!" Don't leave your family behind. Leave the past in the past and move foward. Support them when they need your support. Gather as a family (as we have done in the picture below) to celebrate your successes. Don't harbour issues this will affect you later in life, trust me I know.

My mother always said to us that the power of positive thinking is a wonderful tool to have. I firmly believe that this is true. If you believe you can do it, then you can. So, go out there and believe that you are a positive individual who can make a difference in others lives.

The Challenges of Life

When I met my husband at the tender young age of 11, no-one told me that we were going to land up being soul mates. (That's him with the bald head telling me he loves me!)

Ours is very much a story of whirlwind romance. I had a terrible crush on my husband when I was about 15. We both stayed close to the beach in the same little town (Kalk Bay), so this here body was a true sun worshipper. The only problem was that I became speechless, bashful, just plain google eyed whenever he was around me or in the vicinity. I'd be on the beach and he'd walk on ... next minute I'm packing my things to go home because I didn't want him to see me. Pathetic I know, puppy love ... possibly, but only time would tell. We kinda lost touch for a few years and then after a really traumatic break up (where I could have landed up marrying the wrong guy), a road of self destruction on my part, our paths crossed again.

The same cousin who dubbed me Dottie had just returned with her family from being overseas for a while. Celebrations were taking place and yours truly had been invited. Being the party animal that I was, I was not going to forgo a free party with family and excellent music. So off I went. Dancing to the tunes of the latest hits of the late 90's, I was having a blast. My evening was going really well. Out of the blue, one of the young cousins approached me and indicated that the gentleman in the corner has asked if I could organise some chaser (mixer) for him and his whisky. The freaking nerve!!! I mean, what do I look like? The local cocktail waitress? I was just about to give this freak an earful, when I realised that I know him. Not just know him, but had / have / still have a huge crush on him. Did I mention that this was the same year that I was planning on travelling to the UK to work and play netball for 2 years? I didn't have time to be hooked up with a boyfriend or get involved with the complications of a relationship, let alone a long distance one. These were all the thoughts going through my mind as I approached his table. Anyway, we spent a good evening together, catching up on lost time, you know how it goes. I won't paint any pictures, you can just use your imagination. Whirlwind romance is not the word. I was totally besotted by this man with all his troubles and challenges. We spent every waking moment together in the time leading up to my departure to the UK.

I went off to the UK and we decided to keep our relationship going with the plan of him coming over by the end of that year. Sadly it was not to be. Due to varying reasons and circumstances beyond our control, he did not come over to the UK. I was left wondering ... "What do I do now?" I had a friend, Sheila, and one night we sat at work pulling a double shift talking about what I needed to do. I couldn't go on living with those "what if" thoughts. I remember Sheila saying to me, "follow your heart", and that is exactly what I did. I followed my heart. It took me on a journey of self discovery and various challenges. This was the start of many challenges that my man and I were to face as a couple.

After arriving back from the UK and meeting much disapproval from the family as my overseas experience had been short lived. My boyfriend and I spent about a month together before he decided to join the SA National Defence Force. He became a navy man. Damn did he look good in that white uniform. This was another test in our relationship. After having been separated for 5 months, just reconnecting for a month, we were to be separated for a further 5 months as he went off to complete his basic training. After 5 months, he graduated and was sent to his base where he would serve out the rest of his service. The day that he arrived back, he was involved in a terrible car accident which left him in hospital for the next 3½ months. This was one of the biggest challenges I had to face as a young 22 year old.

For 3½ months, EVERY SINGLE DAY, I was at his hospital bedside to ensure that he was okay and he knew that I was there for him. I prayed at night that he would make a speedy recovery, but this was a challenge that was placed in front of us as young adults, which started building the deep relationship we have today.

He had fractured his 5th and 6th vertebrae in his neck and had to lay in traction for 3½ months in the military hospital. It was not a sight that could be handled by all who visited him. You see, he had steel pins that were drilled into his skull to keep his neck straight so that the bone could heal. It was the one of the most trying times of my life, but you know what, I got through it. I had a supportive family who went out of their way to ensure that I was there for him. All the prejudices were put aside and everyone rallied around to cart me around and pick me up as I didn't have my own vehicle.

It took him more than 18 months to recover from that accident. There was a greater cause that was instal for this man, as he was definitely a cat who had used up one of his nine lives. Looking back on this experience, I now realise why it had to happen that way. You see, following this accident, my husband has had 2 subsequent "BAD" accidents which I'll tell you all about at a later stage.

I'd like to leave you with this final challenge and thought ....

Sometimes things happen which we cannot explain. Have the faith to believe that we would never be given anything that is too hard for us as individuals to handle. Life is too short to bear grudges, live life for the moment and live it as if there was no tomorrow. There are so many of us out there who can make a difference in others lives because of our life experiences. I'm hoping that this blog that I've started will do exactly that. The challenge that I place before you today is this ...

Think about a time when you've questionned why certain things have happened to you. Write it down, read it, filter it and read it again. Ask yourself the following questions :

1. What have I learned from that experience?

2. Who can I share my experience with?

3. What will I do differently when faced with this again?

WHAT'S IN A NICKNAME

I'm very new to this blogging thang. I've decided to give this a go as it's been on my to do list forever. And as you all know, that to do list can be a killer. I don't want to be in a life threatening situation to turn around and say "I wish I had started my blog when I had the chance to."

My story today is about Bernadottie (that's me just in case some of you are wondering). For those of you who do know this story, TOUGH and for those of you do not know this story, well here goes ...

I think I was about 6. My cousin and her husband stayed in the flats that were part of our family home. One morning, my mother in her divine wisdom decided to dress me in a polka dot dress. I looked like a miniature version of 101 Dalmations ... of the human kind. I went skipping into my cousin's room and she took one look at me and and my imitation Disney outfit and said ... "Well don't you look dotty, Bernadottie?". From that day forward, Dottie was born.

Some Joe Bloggs out there might be thinking ... "Jeeees woman, and HOW is this of interest to me? Go back to your day job and leave the blogging to the pros." Well Joe, you see here's the thing ... we've all been given a nickname or alias sometime in our lives. Whether it was when we were born and had no name hence the term "No-Name Brand". Or when you constantly nagged your mother (much like I did) and was promptly crowned "Moaning Minnie" or "Mona" as in Mona Lisa! Yes, some of us might giggle and think it's funny, but some of us are embarassed by the names. They might have stigmas attached to them, or just have bad memories about a time in the past. For me, it was a pleasant memory, as my entire family know me like that, but have never overused it, nor have they ever used it against me. Actually, I did have a bit of a complex later on in life, I thought my name had been changed to Minnie, because I used to nag my mother so much. But then I grew up and matured (like a good wine) and realised that my mother loves me very much and has instilled some really good standards and morals in me.

I have 3 beautiful children, 2 girls and 1 boy. I always preach to them about calling people names whether in jest or not. For me having that nickname throughout my life has fond memories for me as it reminded me of the crazy days I used to spend with my brothers, sisters and cousins. For someone else, it might not have been a fond memory, it might have been the deciding factor which lead to that individual maybe not succeeding in life and not going on to be the doctor or architect that he / she wanted to be. And all because of a nickname. The point I'm trying to make here is, that we should not go around branding people because of their appearance, their dress or the car they drive. Ask yourself the question, "If someone gave me a nickname without my permission, would I like it?

With this being my first blog and all, I would welcome any comments, suggestions or even topics that you would like to see here. I'd like to leave you with this thought. Look around you, no matter where you are. The first person that you see, maintain eye contact with them and just smile ... don't judge them on anything, just smile ... and mean it. You've just made someone's day and guess what ....

YOU'RE THE BETTER PERSON, BECAUSE YOU'VE JUST MADE SOMEONE SMILE!

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!